Recognising your own demons/ faults.

“I’m perfect!”

“Its all your fault!”
Thinking back, these are statements, half jokes and jokes I would make with my ex.

Sometimes I would purposely make a ridiculous joke out of when I clearly knew “x transgression” was my fault in an attempt to make my loved one laugh, and lighten the mood.

Sometimes, I would make that statement in an attempt to say that I was half right and half wrong. Sometimes, I was half right and sometimes I was half wrong.

Sometimes, I would sincerely believe I was right, and the other party wrong. Sometimes, I was wrong, even when I thought I was right.

I believe, in hindsight and with learning, that outside of the ridiculous joke (and even sometimes then), that each statement was made out of an effort to control.

As I learn about covert/ overt narcissism, cluster B type personality disorders, borderline personality disorder (et al), I recognise not only traits in my ex significant other (both in the past and present), but also in myself both past and present. That never feels good.

But its true. What I’ve learned in seeking understanding of co-dependancy, is that I am amongst other things, a fixer. I have found so many distasteful traits in people I have actively sought relationships with, believing that I can help them out of it. My Lord.

This is not to say I am perfect by any bizarre stretch of the imagination, but rather that I do indeed have strengths that can be helpful, as well as weaknesses which aren’t.

Learning these things now have a magnified effect. With the requisite work, the healthier ways of thinking help me become a healthier individual, but they also have a wonderful effect on my children. The thought of my children and doing everything I can for them keeps me going  when times are tough and days dark – no doubt about it.

Long ago, I recognised that role modelling is far more important than words to children, and that actions speak louder than words (in relationships and individually).

So today I learned something amazing. I’ll share it with you:

a) Ask yourself when you meet someone new, or consider building a stronger relationship with someone the following question, “Will I still like this person in two years time if they dont change and are exactly as they are today?”

If the answer is no, move on. Your spidey senses might be telling you something very, very important. Listen to your gut, and listen to your body sending you signals. As a fixer, this is a big one for me.

b) Respect that persons choice to be who they are right now.

c) Its disrespectful to someone to try and change them

d) Focus on changing you instead

e) Thank that person for showing you who they are, so that you can get away from then now, while there isn’t much investment.


There’s this old adage about men and women – “Men marry a woman, hoping she won’t change”. “Women marry a man, hoping he will”.

Men are natural born fixers for the most part, and so perhaps there’s more to this old adage than meets the eye.


An idea whose time has come.

Have you ever heard someone say something, that just instantly and absolutely resonated with you? So much so, that you immediately start to teach your children that saying because its just so damn good?

One of those for me came from an unlikely source – Batman (the Nolan trilogy). When Bruce Wayne the child falls down an abandoned well exploring, he is eventually saved by his DAD (way to go Dads!) who is not angry with him (like mine would have been, beating for me having wasted his time in coming to get me – {amhik}) but rather comforting him, smiling, consoling, and then leaving him with a line so filled with wisdom that it hit a home run into my subconscious.

“Why do we fall down Bruce?”

“I dunno”

“So that we can learn how to get back up again.”


Goosebumps. That was five years ago. I was just watching a video by way of a complete segway, when the woman said (as a champion in her sport), that maybe her winning all the time was not in the best interests of everybody, but perhaps that losing was important too – to not just help herself, but others too.

Bang. My beautiful subconscious reminded me of Pa Wayne’s wisdom and I realised that the line I teach my children as a comfort when they fall (which has blessed and encouraged them enough to get them back on the horse immediately), is also for me.

Why has my family fallen apart? So that I can learn how to make a better one.


Houston 2001

Back when I was around 19 years old, I was deathly afraid of children. So afraid, that I once refused to get out of the vehicle to go and do a gospel presentation to kids at a kids camp when I was extremely involved in church. To put that in context, just the year earlier I had been in charge of quelling riots at the age of 18 in charge of 50 men in small open army vehicles with zero protection outside of our rifles and smarts. There was only canvas on the army truck as protection against petrol bombs, machetes and bricks. As the commander (lieutenant) I quelled several riots I came across with 100% success.

Going back to the gospel presentation thing, it took 2 girls praying with me for 45 minutes to get me out of the vehicle. I trusted females more than males at that stage. Shaking, I finally gathered my guts, walked inside and sat with the kids and was absolutely surrounded by them. I was so afraid they were going to expose me for being a fraud. I was afraid they would see inside me, and see that I really wasn’t this brave crazy dude. So whats the first thing a kid said out very aloud when there was pure silence in prayer? “Oh man – you stink!”

Turns out I was sweating like a pig out of fear. Everyone stopped from their prayer to look at me and I absolutely froze with a burning red face. The rest of the experience is blacked out in my mind and I think thats due to the trauma of it all. It did, however, spur me to face my deepest fears and walk that journey.

Nine years later in 2001, I lived with a Mormon family with 4 boys in the USA. I was their “older brother” for my time there. I learned many things, and am still in contact with them today. The dark haired boy is now married, and both boys are incredibly good looking, well muscled and talented smart individuals. Meeting up again in 2017 was incredible and I’m grateful for the experience.

Here we are in 2001. The mud is from an enormous mud pit I discovered with the boys while peddling in the forests. Love these boys men.