“Its all your fault!”
Thinking back, these are statements, half jokes and jokes I would make with my ex.
Sometimes I would purposely make a ridiculous joke out of when I clearly knew “x transgression” was my fault in an attempt to make my loved one laugh, and lighten the mood.
Sometimes, I would make that statement in an attempt to say that I was half right and half wrong. Sometimes, I was half right and sometimes I was half wrong.
Sometimes, I would sincerely believe I was right, and the other party wrong. Sometimes, I was wrong, even when I thought I was right.
I believe, in hindsight and with learning, that outside of the ridiculous joke (and even sometimes then), that each statement was made out of an effort to control.
As I learn about covert/ overt narcissism, cluster B type personality disorders, borderline personality disorder (et al), I recognise not only traits in my ex significant other (both in the past and present), but also in myself both past and present. That never feels good.
But its true. What I’ve learned in seeking understanding of co-dependancy, is that I am amongst other things, a fixer. I have found so many distasteful traits in people I have actively sought relationships with, believing that I can help them out of it. My Lord.
This is not to say I am perfect by any bizarre stretch of the imagination, but rather that I do indeed have strengths that can be helpful, as well as weaknesses which aren’t.
Learning these things now have a magnified effect. With the requisite work, the healthier ways of thinking help me become a healthier individual, but they also have a wonderful effect on my children. The thought of my children and doing everything I can for them keeps me going when times are tough and days dark – no doubt about it.
Long ago, I recognised that role modelling is far more important than words to children, and that actions speak louder than words (in relationships and individually).
So today I learned something amazing. I’ll share it with you:
a) Ask yourself when you meet someone new, or consider building a stronger relationship with someone the following question, “Will I still like this person in two years time if they dont change and are exactly as they are today?”
If the answer is no, move on. Your spidey senses might be telling you something very, very important. Listen to your gut, and listen to your body sending you signals. As a fixer, this is a big one for me.
b) Respect that persons choice to be who they are right now.
c) Its disrespectful to someone to try and change them
d) Focus on changing you instead
e) Thank that person for showing you who they are, so that you can get away from then now, while there isn’t much investment.
There’s this old adage about men and women – “Men marry a woman, hoping she won’t change”. “Women marry a man, hoping he will”.
Men are natural born fixers for the most part, and so perhaps there’s more to this old adage than meets the eye.